My Baby Only Sleeps While Being Held (How to Transfer to the Crib)

Does your baby only sleep while being held? Do you feel like you've already tried everything and nothing seems to work? I'm here today to give you the ultimate solution for this very common sleep challenge without leaving your baby to cry alone.

Why does a baby sometimes only sleeps while being held?

There are a couple of reasons why a baby might refuse to sleep in the crib, which is why there's no one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to child sleep. Some possibilities could be:

The baby doesn't feel completely safe yet

As human beings, just like animals, we are born with very helpful defense mechanisms that keep us safe. A baby is born feeling unsafe in this world because it's a new place for them; they need consistency to trust the environment and know they can relax—a concept very aligned with the secure attachment theory.

If this is your baby's case, please don't blame yourself. It is a good thing your baby has this mechanism because it keeps him/her alive. Imagine an animal in the wild with predators everywhere; they can't just sleep by themselves. In nature, it is very common to stay in a group and watch each other sleep. This is the exact same thing: the place your baby feels safest is in your arms.

How can I help my baby feel safe and relax to stop contact naps?

Consistency! Consistency! Consistency!! If today you rock your baby to sleep, but tomorrow you let him cry alone in the crib to teach independence, and the next day you give in and end up nursing him to sleep, your baby won't know what to expect. To him, it feels like: "sometimes I get what I need, and sometimes I don't. I can't fully trust this environment, so I need to stay alert and cry for what I need."

That is also true for the routine. It is important that your baby's days are as similar as possible, every single day. So, do you need to do the exact same activities and stop your life for your baby? The answer is No! But you can organize your days in blocks. First, find out the best wake window or nap times, then the best times for feedings. Create a bedtime routine you can follow every single time for naps and nighttime (example: sleep sack, sound machine on, book, bottle/nursing, lullaby while rocking, etc.). Try to keep these parts consistent.

Now you can add flexibility in the "wake blocks." One day you can take them to the library, the next to the park, or just play in the house or backyard. You can even take your baby with you to run errands. This way you have a routine, but also the flexibility to do different activities without affecting sleep/feeding times. After a while, the consistency compounds, creating an inner sense of safety, so if you go on a trip or need to change the naps slightly, your baby will be much more adaptable.

You accidentally created a sleep association

If you've been holding your baby for naps for a while, maybe he just got used to it. This does not mean he's manipulating you or being spoiled.

How to replace sleep associations

The best way to replace a sleep association like contact naps is to be gradual, patient, and—again—consistent! Starting with the first nap, you can rock your baby until he falls asleep, then just hold him for a few minutes (without rocking) to make sure he has reached a deeper sleep level. When trying to put him in the crib, use very gentle and slow movements, and do it so his butt touches the mattress before his head (this helps prevent the sensation of falling). If he wakes up, pick him up immediately and repeat the process.

If your baby is a newborn, The 5 S's can help a lot in this process, especially the sleep sack, to help with the moro reflex. Some of these techniques can also be adapted to older babies, watching for safety, of course.

How long do you do this? I recommend trying maybe 2 or 3 times in one nap, and if he really doesn't stay in the crib, you can do a contact nap. Remember: This is a learning process, and your baby getting his nap is more important than doing it "perfectly." If he gets overtired, the next attempt will be even harder. Do this for every single nap and bedtime until it sticks!

Your baby has gas or reflux

If you tried the first two options and are still not having success, it might be worth checking with your doctor to see if there is any digestive discomfort like gas or reflux, or any other health issue. When a baby has reflux or is gassy, they may not want to lie down because the discomfort gets worse. In an upright position, gas can be released more easily—especially through burps—since gas is light and tends to go up. Being upright also helps keep stomach acid down, improving discomfort from reflux.

Note: I am not a doctor and cannot diagnose or treat health-related issues, but I can advise you that this is a possibility to check with your pediatrician.

What if I tried all of these for a week and still didn't see improvement?

In my experience, these tips solve most cases pretty quickly, but we can never discard a different underlying cause. This is why baby sleep is such a complex subject; we need to evaluate the whole family situation without making assumptions to determine the root cause.

One last cause I would like to mention is the emotional state of the parent or caregiver. It is extremely important that you are your "best self"—calm and present—or the baby can sense the tension, making it harder for them to relax.

If you feel stressed, consider doing breathing exercises, meditations, working on your comfort level with crying, or even seeking counseling if you need to. You can also take a break and ask another calm caregiver to take over to maintain consistency.

Remember the tip to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. Your wellbeing is as important as your baby's. You are a great mom, and you are doing everything you can, but please don't forget that you also need care! You got this!

For more information in emotional wellbeing and relationship with crying, read: https://www.sonosleepsolutions.com/post/should-i-pick-up-my-crying-baby-crying-and-secure-attachment